Throwing The Baby Out With The Bath Water

Beth had the perfect nanny. Everyone could see it. Other mothers were envious of her good fortune. The baby adored Susan. The neighbors marveled at her loving, professional competence.

But all was not well on Maple Street. Beth wasn't happy. In fact, she was downright miserable. Then, one day, she fired the perfect nanny!

Everyone could see how lucky Beth was--except Beth herself. For her it had been a year of living with the "slow burn" of jealousy. And in the last few months, it had become a raging fire.

Three months after Jeffrey was born, Beth had returned to work with mixed emotions. She was ready to get back to the challenges and stimulation of her job as an attorney, but leaving her baby each morning was sheer anguish. She missed him, she felt guilt about abandoning him, she worried about whether she was doing the right thing. Getting home in the evening was the high point of every day.

At first it was just fleeting feelings of being a "third wheel". As Jeffrey's affection for Susan grew, his response to Beth's homecoming became less ecstatic. Then he began, many nights, to cling to his nanny, wanting her to stay.

Susan told of trips to the park and other daily adventures. During the week, the kitchen was always spotless and the house tidy, the baby's laundry done, no shortage of anything in the pantry. Jeffrey was kept entertained, fed, washed. He had Susan's undivided attention all day, every day.

But on weekends Beth was so busy there wasn't much time for outings. The house usually looked like a tornado had touched down, and Jeffrey often had a dirty face and juice spots down his front. And even though he was the center of his mother's world, he couldn't always be at the center of her attention.

Jealousy is a mother's torment. "This other woman is taking my role. She's not taking the daddy's role."

Beth's insecurities about her mothering skills began to get the better of her. The weekly contrast between the nanny's and her perception of her own care-giving competence began nibbling the edges of her sense of self-worth. She became obsessed by it, until one evening, as Susan prepared to go home, Jeffrey bumped his head, then ran wailing into his nanny's arms. Something in Beth snapped. The next day she fired the caregiver-- and in her mind, the justification she gave for the dismissal was totally rationale.

"I instantly felt tremendous relief," she told us. "It felt great that I'd finally dealt with the problem. Then friends and neighbors began to console me about losing such a jewel, and to sympathize with how much Jeffrey must miss his dear and loving nanny." Beth soon realized that she hadn't solved the problem at all. "The problem was my own jealousy, my conflicted feelings about having another woman caring for my child. I needed to learn to accept that, as long as I have a job outside the home, Jeffrey will have divided loyalties between me and his nanny."

Too Talented To Take!
A number of triggers can unleash a jealous reaction. It might be a flash of competitive envy, when facing an energetic, youthful nanny candidate. A tough day at the office can produce a wave of resentment toward the woman who gets to picnic in the park with the children. Or a well-loved caregiver can evoke a sea of jealousy from a working mother consumed with doubts and feelings of rejection.

"When it's a case of the nanny's looks," Sheilagh Roth (Executive Director of a well-known nanny school) points out, "the relationship generally won't get past the interview stage. The nanny may think everything went fine, but then she doesn't get a follow-up call. "A nanny's physical appeal seems to be less of a problem when it's live-out situation. But thoughts of "too close for comfort" can bubble up if the caregiver will be living under the same roof.

A mother may find herself thinking about how lucky her nanny is, spending so much time with the children, while Mommy's life is filled with the drudgery or stress of a thankless job. Rather than transferring her career dissatisfaction into resentment of the caregiver, it may be time for his mother to review her life choices. It's important, of course, that she distinguish between a one-shot bad day at the office and a real personal crisis. If, "this too shall pass," she would be wise to count to 10 before resigning and rushing home to fire the nanny.

Ironically, jealousy often surfaces when the caregiver is really good at what she does! "I've seen situations where the nanny was doing everything right, but got into trouble for doing more than she was asked to do," Roth tells us. "I don't know if these parents ever actually understand that the real problem was their jealousy."

It is assumed that a mother will be delighted to see her children in the care of a competent, dependable, loving person. As Dr. Arietta Slade, professor of clinical psychology at the City University of New York points out, "If the child weren't attached to the caregiver, he'd be lonely and bereft whenever his mother was gone." Mommy should be thrilled that her children are well cared for and happy.

But many a woman fights a losing battle trying to separate the rational appeal of the "loving child care" picture from the emotions that are woven in with being a working mother. She feels her cherished motherhood being taken over by someone else. She fears she will lose the treasured bond forever.

Something Special About Mom
It is most often in the child's early years that the caregiver may take precedence over the mother. "While the caregiver's relationship to the child is simple and direct--a nurturer, playmate and educator-- the mother has a multifaceted relationship with the child," says Diane Gottleib, M.S.W., Ph.D., a family therapist and adjunct professor of psychology at the University of Vermont. "Yet even before the child acquires language to grasp these differences, she will unconsciously understand that her relationship to her mother maybe morecomplicated than her relationship to her caregiver, but it is also richer and therefore more deeply engaging."

A child's understanding of that complexity will evolve as she develops. As Joan K. Peters wrote in The Mother Triangle (Family Life, March/April, 1994), "The progression may not be steady, since at certain ages the child tends to regress. However, between the ages of three and five, when the child has navigated separations and securely bonded, a shift in perception usually takes place."

Patricia A. Nachman, Ph.D., director of the Margaret S. Maher Observational Research Nursery at The New School for Social Research in New York City, conducted a three-year research study in which she observed a group of toddlers with full-time mothers and another group with full-time caregivers. She concluded, "In all cases the mothers appeared to be the primary objects on whom the children's most intense feelings, identifications, and separation concerns centered. In short, the child 'knows', probably from early on, that there is something special or at least different about Mother."

The Responsibility To Be Fair
Sheilagh Roth describes how maternal resentment often manifests itself. "Mothers show their jealousy toward the nanny by being irritable, by belittling her, by acting superior." She speaks of one mother who became hysterical over the way the socks were folded and stored in the children's drawers. And she tells of another nanny who did a superb job of teaching a preschooler good manners and how to recite the alphabet, only to overhear her employer take full credit for the child's exemplary behavior.
Such disrespectful behavior toward a caregiver who is trying hard to perform well--and succeeding--is unjust. Part of the responsibility of being an employer is to respect and support the caregiver--to avoid minimizing her accomplishments or undermining her authority. But Ms. Roth points out, "It's easier to change the nanny than it is to change behavior. Especially when that behavior is irrational, insidious, subconscious."

If resentment is causing you to be unfair to your nanny, you can turn that around. Awareness is half the battle. The other half is hard work, but solutions do exist. Start by enlisting your nanny's support in addressing the problem. A good nanny wants her employer, as well as her charge, to be happy.

Glenda Willm, former President of the National Association of Nannies, said it best: "The relationship a child has with its nanny is very special and close, but a child only has one mother. One person's love doesn't diminish the love of another. The incredible thing about love is that the more we give, the more we have. As nannies, it is our job to be supportive of our employers. It is also part of our job to protect and respect the parent's role in their child's life." NN

A Hiring Tip For Parents
Beware of the nanny who thinks she is more qualified at parenting than any mother who would choose to leave her child in someone else's care. When interviewing prospective caregivers, keep your antennae up. If a candidate says something like, "I was a much better nanny than she was a parent," or "The parents were never around so I became the mother," escort her to the door! It might be true, or it might just be a figure of speech--but there's a good chance it's an indication of how she interprets her role.

Beth's story is based on a real situation. The names have been changed for the protection of privacy. This article was reprinted with the permission of Nanny News.

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